“And just like the moon, you shall go through phases of light, of dark, and everything inbetween. And though you may not always appear with the same brightness, you are always whole.” Unknown

Scribbles from my journal: The year of dirt; listening to my daughter pumping out words to a song elevated by a can of Monster on the eve of her formal; a honking deer startled by my presence; tasting liquorice as I barrel up the highway keeping myself awake to ride a gravel event early next morning;

“When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is more powerful than a million empty words.” Unknown

Standing in the autumn sun, bike leaning against my leg we are talking, the conversation messy, kind of clunky and raw. My friend wants to know how I am. We are at an event with people and noise all around yet there we are standing amongst it all, deep in. Truth is I am fragmented, scratch the surface and you will see the cracks.

“I told my friend I was hitting an emotional wall. She said, sometimes walls are there to lean on and rest. I cannot even begin to express how much I needed to hear that.” Unknown

Still now I see her hands, soft, veined and holding the book. She reads my favourite tale, The Selfish Giant by Oscar Wilde. I am twelve pleading with her to read it to me. She chides, “you’re getting too old to be read to”, and gives in like she always does.  

“Unpopular truth: sometimes what is meant for you will feel scary, risky and new. Easy and calm doesn’t always mean you’re going the right way. The biggest rewards come from having the guts and perseverance to create your own path.” Yung Pueblo

What I have learned.

My greatest nourishment is time with family and friends, with an intention and presence only afforded by slowing my life down. 

“Belonging so fully to yourself that you’re willing to stand alone is a wilderness - an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared. The wilderness can often feel unholy because we can’t control it, or what people think about our choice of whether to venture into that vastness or not. But it turns out to be the true place of belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand.”

Brene Brown

“Sometimes, things don’t work out. Not because you don’t deserve it, but because you deserve so much more.” Anonymous

Recently hearing myself reeling off a list of plans to my bestie for the next six months, I burst out laughing. If 2020 is anything to go by why am I even bothering, it all went to hell on a handbasket on a number of fronts.

Without notice.

Well thank you universe.

“Nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary. Every moment gives you a new ending and a new beginning. You literally get a second chance every second. Once you understand this, you can do almost anything, or go almost anywhere, because you’re not holding on to everything anymore.” Marcadangel

Camping last Christmas, I serendipitously bump into an old friend. Sitting under the canopy of a luscious tree in the stinking summer heat she tells me about a book called The Surrender Experiment.

I immediately order it. I like a bit of a challenge.

"Someone asked me what's the most difficult thing about owing a dog? I replied, the goodbye.”Unknown

On my hands and knees in the dirt digging out a grave for our dog Summer I hit clay, and Google says it needs to be one metre deep. The shovel with my arms now can’t reach the bottom. I have taken to using a saucepan to finish.

Damn Google. F*** life.

One of my daughters is coming in and out of the backyard to see if I’m done. Everything in me wants to cry out, to sob uncontrollably, not wanting to adult anymore. This is hard, it hurts. Crying for a week now as I watched our girl deteriorate. She could barely move.

"Sometimes there is nothing you can do but let it rain and wait for the sunshine."

Attending an interview for my Masters with a person in Sydney, she wanted to understand what stage 4 restrictions were like. Got to love a social worker. She told me another student had said it was like having Eeyore hanging around all the time.

I laughed. Well nearly spat my coffee, not the thing to do in an interview.

With a seed germinating for a blog I got thinking about that gloomy donkey, rarely in a positive frame of mind with a bleak outlook on life. He is known for saying, “things could be worse.

If we find ourselves in what seems like a rotten or painful situation and we think, “well, how is this enlightenment?” We can just remember this notion of the path, that what seems undesirable in our lives doesn’t have to put us to sleep. What seems undesirable in our lives doesn’t have to trigger our habitual reactions.

We can let it show us where we’re at and let it remind us that the teachings encourage precision and gentleness, with loving-kindness toward every moment. When we live this way, we feel frequently-maybe continuously-at crossroads, never knowing what’s ahead.” Pema Chrodon. When Things Fall Apart.

Well Pema, in the spirit of never knowing what’s ahead, here goes.

Dragging myself up a mountain in Lake Annecy five months into my cycling, I was riding with a woman who was noticeably sturdy as she paced herself up the climb. Me on the other hand, well eyebrows were raised.

Later, over a croissant she told me she trained with The Hurt Box. Ouch.

Seed planted. Really, she had me at croissant. I left France to hike 235kms solo in the Swiss mountains. A fan of distance shall we say.

On my return home I found a remote endurance coach. I ticked off Three Peaks and grand fondos. Training weeks tallied 450kms and serious climbing. I was fit, and tired.

"What we don't need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human." Brene Brown

Cycling some 45kms to climb the infamous Mt Baw Baw I'm 4kms from the top. I stop. I’m having a mental breakdown training for Three Peaks Challenge. I did both Three Peaks and climbed Mt Baw Baw last year.

Crying, well a few primal sobs, the words tumble out of my mouth. I’m not doing Peaks. On my own, the others up before me, there is no one to hear except that ruthless mountain.

Last year, training was going well.

"Just where you are - that's the place to start." Pema Chodron

Five am and the rooster crows. My alarm clock. Usually I love it, prone to making me chuckle whilst climbing out of bed. This morning I hate it. The usual up and go is not there. I lie still. Fuck this. Full of anguish. My heart caving in. Can I even launch myself out of bed? I am exhausted, bordering on broken.

A training morning. I need to get my kit on and go. The world seems like a black and white slow-motion movie, with no sound. I do not know how but I get dressed. I pedal twenty-five minutes to the velodrome.

“He walks like it’s the start of the world and nothing needs to be done.” My 10 year old daughter observing her 12 year old brother.

My youngest of four children just turned 13 and I’m both relieved and grief stricken. How did that happen so fast, and thank goodness they're all getting older. I’m happy to see the young adults they are becoming, yet heart broken for the little children they used to be.

Each milestone is met with emotional contradictions, much celebration and yet a sadness we will never pass this way again.

I feel myself letting go against the back drop of wanting to hang on.

"If it's both terrifying and amazing then you should definitely pursue it." Unknown

A message of congratulations from my new coach after the morning’s ride, one month of training. Little does he know I’m climbing back into bed at 11am. I’m shattered. Apparently it's an adjustment period. He’s measured and has incredible taste for a good bowl of porridge.

You’re always going to win me on food.

First week, my new power meter wasn’t working. Apparently you’re meant to calibrate it. Who would have thought?

"Discomfort is the currency of success." Brooke Castillo

Wet weather and an early work shift means no riding for me today. Apparently it's called a rest day. Somehow that is meant to make me feel better about not spinning my legs. Well that and I've got to work. I have to pay for bike expenses. They just keep coming.

You know you buy a bike and think yep, all set. Not true. Next comes the lycra, lights, Garmin. Thrown in an upgrade to a 32 cog so you an climb mountains, like real mountains. New tyres, a few times already as apparently I ride a lot. And winter kit, who would have thought I'd get up in freezing temperatures to ride.

"You can say that climbers suffer the same as other riders, but they suffer in a different way. You feel the pain, but you're glad to be there." Richard Virenque

Think brutal. Thirteen hours to cycle 235kms with 4,600m climbing. All for a jersey. If not, you don’t get one. Harsh and fair.

Hello Three Peaks Challenge.

Gifted with unrelenting nausea, I'm constantly pushing self-doubt away. Not helped by arriving at the lodge to riders talking tactics for a sub 8-hour finish.

Did I mention wanting to throw up?

"Please do no feed the fears." Unknown.

Recovery week in my monthly training I have a prescribed day off the bike. Damn. If I can’t ride, why not climb a tree? Makes sense, so I find myself standing on a ledge 15m high harnessed into a rope challenge course.

My 14-year-old daughter has already scrambled across the swinging rope wall quite a few metres wide. Fear is pumping through my veins. I feel frozen. I shout to her that I’m flipping out. She laughs, and yells “just start, if you fall the harness will catch you.”

Yeah great.

Words that accidently fell out of my mouth around the 100km mark of ride recently. My two cycling buddies were not helpful when I asked them for motivational words to finish the final 50kms. Admittedly, they might have been literally eating cake. Ravished. Not caring about chatter. They left me no choice than to spit this directive out.

Laughing, they dared me to use this as the title of my next blog.

Challenge accepted.

If you read my blogs, you’ll know I have an endurance coach, and now a sports dietician. See cake. I was pretty damn hungry. The dietician put me on Gatorade for my long-distance rides. I know, I know.

"Five types of people you want to surround yourself with: the inspired, the passionate, the motivated, the grateful and the open minded." Unknown.....And the sixth, the cyclists.

I leave home thirty minutes earlier to meet the bunch. Some would call this crazy considering I could start closer to home. And yet in spite of the extra time and kilometers, joining this exceptional club has been my foundation into cycling this year.

Easing into this sport gently would be a gross understatement of how my approach has unfolded.

Some of my co-workers, endowed with psychological and behavioral degrees, have jokingly used the word obsessive.