Surrendering to the Flow of Life
Written By Georgina
“Nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary. Every moment gives you a new ending and a new beginning. You literally get a second chance every second. Once you understand this, you can do almost anything, or go almost anywhere, because you’re not holding on to everything anymore.” Marcadangel
Camping last Christmas, I serendipitously bump into an old friend. Sitting under the canopy of a luscious tree in the stinking summer heat she tells me about a book called The Surrender Experiment.
I immediately order it. I like a bit of a challenge.
Each year, I set an intention for myself. I do this privately without fanfare, guiding me to exquisite places I couldn’t orchestrate with my own thinking.
There’s been the year of speaking up, of saying yes to new adventures, to following my heart, and saying no to be of service to myself, just to name a few.
After reading the book I set my 2020 intention of surrendering to the flow of life.
In other words, to abandon myself to everything as it unfolds. I committed to let go of my usual internal arguing and debating with the universe of “this is not my beautiful life.”
And yes, that’s Talking Heads.
I take a silent oath to accept what arrives and leaves in my life. To receive the unfolding of dreams and hopes, and those that don’t come to fruition. To invite in the new, the unexpected.
Well here goes.
Things changed.
Hopes were shattered.
My heart broke. A soft irrevocable sorrow.
I befriended disillusionment, I welcomed her in to see what she had to say. She remains and can stay for as long as she feels she needs to protect me.
I uncovered a fatigue so deep in my bones I had no choice but to slow down. Ask for help. Follow direction. Trust in others.
We had Covid lockdown, twice. I felt mental at times, a caged animal. My usual heavy reliance on cycling outdoors to help me cope with exposure to vicarious trauma was removed.
I had to find other ways. Different paths opened up revealing how change was approaching.
I applied for new jobs. Interviews went well. Rejections came. Disappointment found its way in. I wanted a new beginning and it was unfolding. Still I needed to trust.
Little did I know I was in the endings. I was saying goodbye to what needed to go. I remember reading, one of the most painful things in life is holding on when something is already leaving.
Recalling my mentor’s words from years ago, he told me never to hold onto anything so tightly I can’t afford to let go.
I loosened my grip.
Reflecting on the flow of the universe, the bigger picture, I reminded myself often to surrender again. I stopped the resistance, I exhaled that out deeply.
Our dog, Summer, got cancer and she died. Grief shook our house as we said goodbye to our companion. We buried her under our cherry blossom tree. Mother earth took her home.
I started my second Masters degree. I aced both subjects, was encouraged into a research pathway, one of my hopes, a PhD. And yet, I knew it was the wrong time for many reasons. I sat with the challenge of letting go of obligation.
I dropped the burden of duty. I feel free, the right decision for now.
Tears have flowed, unashamedly, in many moments of sadness, loss and questioning in seeking something different. I observed my thinking, the struggle of “not this”, the default position, and started asking, “why not G?”
The weight lessened but I still didn’t have the answers. Mostly I felt like I was suspended, hanging out in the corridor as the doors shut and nothing opened.
I sit alongside people in the sinister of darkness for work, the depths of their trauma and despair, so I sat with myself. And there in my own shadows, where it was messy but still, I inherently knew all was exactly as it needed to be.
The job I applied for weeks before contacted me for an interview. Time went by, they made an offer. I start next week. Moving away from trauma and no longer in the not-for-profit sector, I walk through the door to private enterprise where opportunities are abound, if I want it.
I want it. I see everything so far has led me to this point.
Recently, I sat by a river, the same spot where my partner and I were this time last year. Now solo, camping and just allowing myself to be. The swings and roundabouts of life, everything changes in moments.
Had I fought and bit back at what unfolded I would have caused so much pain for myself, and others.
Instead, I said yes to what was in the flow of my life.
In that, I decided to turn up to everything like I was meant to be there.
And that Masters degree I surrendered, well combined with this new job with no weekend hours, it has opened up space for me to birth another dream of mine.
Next week I hold my first women’s circle.
And yesterday, after our ride, at a new café on the counter sat a bowl with shapes of love hearts, the word love imprinted. There was a sign that said, “take a little love.”
With the absolute glee of a small child, I reached in for love.
Just like I was meant to be there.