Her Time
Written by Georgina
"She has been feeling it for awhile now -- that sense of awakening. There is a gentle rage simmering inside her, and it is getting stronger by the day. She will hold it close to her -- she will nurture it and let it grow. She won't let anyone else take it away from her. It is her rocket fuel and finally, she is going places. She can feel it down to her very core -- this is her time. She will not only climb mountains -- she will move them too." Lang Leav
You know that mother who sacrifices her own wellbeing for the sake of all others? The one who is tirelessly, but is really tired, giving of her time to the family and community. She bakes herself silly, attends infinite amounts of committee meetings, helps out in the classroom, runs the household and the kids around, juggling babies, toddlers and routines.
Somehow, she keeps it all ticking along in some of kind order. She smiles when asked how she is, there is no time to be sick or flat. She just keeps going. This was me.
I’ve driven my kids to ballet, soccer, basketball, football, book signings, art classes, meditation, softball, karate, the list is long. I’ve taken them camping and hiking, introduced them to the wilderness. I’ve lost count of the concerts and sports finals. I’ve made playdough for what feels like a thousand times, read endless books out loud, built mud pits and mowed cricket pitches in the backyard. The fairies even lived in our garden for years, and you know someone had to orchestrate that too. You get the drift.
No one directly asked me to do this, nor did I think I ever made a conscious decision to do so. I did it because that’s what I thought a good mother was. I didn’t question it. Then one day I tried to peer past what my life might look like after raising children, it was bleak. Nothing in fact. I felt innately unsettled. Is this all there is?
Then everything changed.
Don’t get me wrong. Being with my children has been wonderful, messy, hard, awesome, dull, rewarding, downright hilarious, and challenging. There is so much I’m grateful for. There are moments of pure joy, discovery, fun, horror, struggle, pain and grief. What a mix it has been. I love them with a fierce and full heart.
But I had to get cracking on building something for me. I needed me. Beyond mothering.
Before my great awakening, I recall my brother generously offering me a ticket to Europe after my marriage ended. I was shattered into a million tiny pieces, and I still said no. Can you believe that? A quality problem I realise. I could not imagine taking 4-6 weeks out of my life to just take care of myself. I opted for a quick jaunt to Hawaii instead. You know in case they all needed me back home. Hello girl!
A part of my unraveling was a statement I came across, it simply said here’s to all women who say no to be of service to themselves. I was struck by its simplicity, and wisdom.
My, how things have changed. I saw how depleted I was, the juggling as a solo mother of four children, and I started to say no. Not to everything, my kids still have very active and engaged lives, but I stopped the superfluous busy. Remarkably, this opened up spaces in all of our lives to be doing what we all really love, and time in-between, to be.
As I’m about to take off for another four-week adventure holiday in Europe, ahem my second one in two years without kids, I am no longer worried that they ‘might’ need me. If they genuinely do, I am two flights from home. Fancy that, they can get by without me for a bit. And these days, I will always say yes to adventure first then logistics later.
I had to sit with the question a few years back about what would make me come alive, and I found it incredibly difficult to answer.
As a result of even pondering that question, new worlds started to open up, and it’s taken some mighty courage to push myself outside of those comfort zones. Letting go of that internalized story of who I should be, and becoming who I really am.
Turns out, I am not that mother. The one who will be cesslessly taking care of her children’s needs. I will always, always be there for them but as they are all in their teens now I am handing more responsibility to them. They can cook, make their own lunches, clean their own rooms, get themselves to and from school, one works casually, they understand how to manage their money and time. They are responsible for their own homework and schedules, and everything that entails. If they forget something for school, so be it. I only help out when genuinely needed.
Recently I added the washing program in, that is they take care of their pile of clothes, or not. This has been comical to watch, and they have now successfully negotiated teams to share the load. One less thing I have to do, and one more thing they are extremely capable of.
All of this has opened up time for me to create a vision in the empty space I saw when I looked beyond my children.
Now, on most days Mumma has gone cycling or hiking and has left the house at dawn.
And I always come back, happy.
And the kids are great.
What made me come alive? That would be the time created by doing less for others. This time is where I am Georgina, not mum, not the trauma counsellor, or the daughter, or sister or whatever to anyone else for anything.
And I find my heart is full. I feel strong. I’m living a life I love.
This flows back into everything, and ultimately my family have a whole, calm and shall we say, an adrenaline filled mother.
The kids continue to call it my mid-life crisis.
I call this my mid-life.
And I found me in her time.