Getting the Bird
Written by Georgina
What has happened has happened. Good and bad. Your past no longer exists. But your NOW does. So honour the moment you’re in now. Simply be. Simply flow. Feel love all around you. Release attachments and free yourself - your body, your mind and soul. Let go of bitterness and guilt. Love yourself. Give yourself all the love you have so generously been giving others. Welcome new experiences so you can evolve as a soul and human being, and welcome change so you can be directed to the path of your greatest destiny. Alyonna Angelica
Right now, life feels heavy with some unanticipated grieving going on. This mostly feels like my breath has been taken away, over and over again. The waves, they come and they go. Sometimes I feel like I could drown, sometimes I feel like I can swim.
Unevenness, everything feels raw. And you know what, I’m okay with that. I didn’t want the changes but they are here, and facing reality is part of living life on life’s terms.
We don’t always get what we want, and the Dalai Lama says sometimes that is a wonderful stroke of luck. Maybe. More so, this is not about going to war on myself, but rather being present and compassionate towards what is happening in me.
Another part of being real is continuing on with my plans, and a little while back I started to think about my next adventure, well, aside from the unplanned one I’m currently on.
There’s this hike called the Walkers Haute Route, it starts in France and finishes in Switzerland. 235kms in length, crossing 11 mountains passes and negotiating 12,000 metres of altitude gain and loss, hell yeah! Copied that straight from the website except the hell bit.
Having done one in the Dolomites, I feel a little prepared but nothing can predict what it will be like on the trail. There’s the gruelling physical and mental exertion required to master the walk, coupled with exhilaration and awe at how mother nature makes you feel so very small against her backdrop.
Thinking about it excites me and to commit I’ve just booked my flights, creating goals to prepare myself for next year. From now I get to enjoy my trip from here because it’s not a matter of just jumping on the plane. Once I’m in the mountains, that will be nearing the end of the journey, the one I am taking now.
The level of preparation I create will have a direct result on my hike, so it’s time to get cracking for those steep climbs and descents that will push my comfort zones. I like to push them a bit, she says with a big smile.
I’m all in.
Similar to life now, I trust the ground work started for this grieving a little while back. Life was preparing me and even though I thought I was moving in a direction I really wanted, it seems the universe, or whoever the hell it is, shook its head no, and in that instant I found myself where I didn’t anticipate. Seems like all about me and in me has broken open, as opposed to fallen apart.
I’ve screamed at the universe to take this shit back, for this is not my beautiful life (insert Talking Heads), and in return it feels like I’ve been given the bird. Rude. That is until perspective changes a little and I come to see perhaps it was indeed a redirect to someplace different.
Times like this, when I’m confusing birds with direction is similar to when I’m in the mountains, the preparation is done, I now need to carry myself through, and know that I’ve got this.
Might be messy, unfathomable, painful, more than I think I can bear. But hey I know how to take a hard, unforgiving hike, and that is one foot in front of the other, no matter how slowly or tough each step is, that is how you finish.
Likewise, that is how I heal, acknowledge, let go, love, move on, accept, grieve, celebrate. In no certain order. Just need to remember to stop and take in the view, whether I’m at the bottom, top, beginning, middle or the end. It really is about perspective and seeing the gains with each step.
And seriously, from where I am at both the end and the beginning, just maybe it was the bird.
What’s inside of me isn’t pretty or easy or comfortable. What’s inside of me is sometimes lonely, desperate, lost and ordinary. I cry. Often. I think of death a lot. I’m not afraid to lean into suffering or wander into aching places. Times are the opposite of easy. I, too, want to check out. But I can’t. I smell fear and feel the sun setting. Innocent I am not. I can no longer and you should, too. And like the waves crashing into the shore, I’m still here, a walking watchtower. I am the dark moon rising. Tanya Markul